My Resolution

I wrote the following piece for my community writing group's January meeting. The theme was New Beginnings. 

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

My family and I were on vacation in Oregon. It was the summer of 2003 and we were visiting my in-laws before they retired to a new home in a new state. I had five little kids at the time, the youngest was about a month old, if that, and we had all been enjoying our carefree stay at the family farm for the last time. None of this really matters or has anything to do with the rest of this story, but it's ingrained in my mind because I picture where I was every time I think of the phone call. 

One ordinary day on the farm, my dad called. When I look back on that conversation, the first words I think of are my dad saying, "I have cancer." He had been diagnosed with colon cancer and he wanted me to hear it from him. I immediately started bawling which is no surprise because I'm a total daddy's girl. But before you start feeling sorry for me or my dad, let me reassure you - my dad didn't die from colon cancer. In fact, he lived another 13 1/2 years before he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer and passed away ten days later. But that is also not the point of this story. I just felt like you might be wondering, so I wanted to share how that all played out. 

So back to the phone call. I don't remember exactly what was said or all the reassurances that were given. But at some point after my dad broke the news about his cancer, he said, "This is the best thing that's ever happened to me! Everyone should have the opportunity to look at their life through this lens." At the time, I disagreed with him, mostly because it felt like the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I couldn't bear the thought of losing my dad. But as I've thought of those words from time to time over the past 20 years, my perspective has shifted. And as I considered them once again last November, I decided on a New Year's resolution: To live like I'm dying.

I'm not dying, by the way, at least not as far as I know. But I'm trying to live my life as if my days were numbered. A little over three weeks into this new year, here is how it's going so far:

• I have a lot of stuff. I'm one of those people that holds onto things just in case I might need it again someday, even though I haven't needed it in, I don't know, three years? Five years? I mean, you never know! Don't get me wrong. I'm not a hoarder. And I'm not even that sentimental, but there are some things that were really useful in their day and it's hard for me to part with them. I've found it's a lot easier to get rid of things if I know of someone who can actually use them right now. Or if I remind myself that I can always buy it again if I ever need it. Or I think of the burden I'd be passing onto my kids if they're the ones who have to go through all of my stuff when I'm gone. There are some things I think they'll be glad I saved, but that's definitely the exception, not the rule. I'm realizing that now is the time to let go. And the more I get rid of, the easier it gets.
• I'm trying to be nicer and more patient with others, especially my family. Nobody's perfect and we all have bad days. So I'm trying to be more forgiving and reassuring; to quickly move on from frustrations and annoyances. Regardless of how much time I have left, life is too short to hold a grudge.
• On that same note, I'm trying to practice kindness. Whether that means taking cookies to my neighbor, paying for the person behind me in line, or simply giving people the benefit of the doubt, I want to be that person. I want to leave people better than I found them. 
• I've become more deliberate about managing my time. Sometimes I ask myself, "If not now, when?" If my days were numbered then there might not be a better time in the future so I need to make good use of today. I'm getting things done, but I'm also prioritizing so that I don't spend time on things that don't really matter. I'm finally going to finish that quilt I started two years ago... :)
• I'm more open to new opportunities and spur-of-the-moment experiences. I want to have fun! I want to live life while I still can! I have a reputation for being a tightwad, but there's a big difference between spending money on stuff I don't need and enjoying unique experiences with my family, like driving for four hours to see one of my daughter's favorite musicals. We've already booked our flight to Utah in March so we can hear my son's music group perform live. I can't wait!  

These are just a few of the ways I'm learning to live like I'm dying. I'm sure the fact that I'm not actually dying limits my experience to some extent, but even so, I appreciate the new perspective it's given me and the positive changes I've made so far as a result of my resolution. I'm looking forward to more progress, insights, and meaningful experiences throughout the year and beyond. After all, to quote my dad, "everyone should have the opportunity to look at their life through this lens."  

Service Station

When life gets overwhelming and personal problems seem too much to bear, it's curiously healing to set aside our own difficulties and find ways to lighten the burdens of others. That's what I love about the quote below. Service has a way of putting things into perspective and highlighting the things that are most important. 

 

Be A Light

I remember we were just a few weeks into the pandemic when I first heard this song by Thomas Rhett last April. We were all feeling a little cooped up, frustrated, and tired. There was also plenty of finger pointing about decisions being made on a national level, not to mention the political tension as candidates and their parties couldn't say anything nice about each other. 

Country music always seems to tell it like it is and the lyrics to this song pretty clearly state what we all needed to hear then, and need just as much now. 

Here are just a few of the lyrics (first verse and chorus), but the whole song is worth listening to.

In a time full of war, be peace.

In a time full of doubt, just believe.

Yeah, there ain't that much difference between you and me.

In a time full of war, be peace.

In a world full of hate, be a light.

When you do somebody wrong, make it right.

Don't hide in the dark. You were born to shine.

In a world full of hate, be a light.

I Stand At The Door

This painting by Del Parson is a great visualization of Revelation 3:20 - "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me."

Most look at this as a reminder that we need to open the door and let the Savior in. He always honors our agency so He's not going to barge in; it is always our choice. 

So why not open the door? Well, maybe those on the inside desperately want to let the Savior in, but they feel like they need to clean their house first. Everything is such a mess and they are embarrassed and don't want the Savior to see the chaos. And when your messy house really represents your messy, sinful life, it's common to feel like you need to clean up the mess before allowing the Savior in. 

But what if you could zoom out from the painting above and see that Christ brought a whole slew of cleaning supplies with Him? What if the reason He's there is to help you clean your house? 

Isn't that just the most comforting and hopeful thought? I love that perspective. I wish I'd come up with it myself, but I heard it from Savannah's husband, Hayden. He and Savannah have a podcast called "I Stand At The Door," and it's about overcoming pornography and inviting the Savior in to help you. I know that the thoughts they share are giving hope to many people. And many of the things they discuss can be helpful in overcoming other sins and addictions. But my favorite so far is their picture of the Savior standing outside the door with every needed cleaning supply just ready to put them to good use, if only He is allowed inside.

The Next Generation

You may have noticed from our Christmas card that Savannah is sporting a little baby bump. Yes, it's true! Jeff and I are going to be grandparents in May. While I don't feel old enough to be a grandma, my age says otherwise and I'm very excited to welcome this little guy into our family. Here's a sneak peak to get us through until he makes his debut in just three months. It's been way too long since I've snuggled a newborn. I can't wait!

Ultrasound has come a long way! Isn't he cute? :)

Living the Dream

The "Past Forward" writing group I attend hasn't met since last March, only days before the world shut down. Mid-April, a month into "lockdown" and with no clue how long it would last, we were encouraged to write down our thoughts about the virus and staying home. Here's my short piece, written April 14, 2020. And for the record, as anxious as I am to be rid of face masks and to gather with others without a second thought, I still feel like I'm living the dream.

Living the Dream

I woke up and looked at the clock. 4:59am. I turned off my alarm before it went off at 5 so I wouldn’t wake my husband. I got out of bed, knelt to say my morning prayers, and quietly left my bedroom.

I have things I want to do today, or rather, I have things I wanted to do last week or last month that didn’t get done because everyone is home. By everyone, I mean two of my six kids and my husband. But I’m the mom and I take that title seriously. I like to mother. So when I’m in the middle of something and someone needs me, I stop what I’m doing. I like being available, even if that means watching a Hallmark movie on the couch with my daughter because she asked. Or four Hallmark movies…but who’s counting? Sometimes that means making cookies or muddy buddies or dishing up goldfish crackers because school from home requires regular snacks. Sometimes it’s just being available to answer questions about school, even if the answer is “Ask your brother. He knows how to set up a Zoom conference.”

Then there are my other four kids. Three of them are students at Brigham Young University (BYU) in Provo, Utah and one is serving as a missionary in Texas. My daughter just got married in January but has now been without her husband longer than she was with him because he’s at basic training for the Marines. She’s doing really well under the circumstances, but sometimes she has a really hard day so the phone rings a lot. And I talk to her. My missionary son can call twice a week and I drop whatever I’m doing to talk to him. My oldest son has a habit of calling while he walks across campus to the library (where he’s still allowed to study, social distancing all along the way). And sometimes he gets a little philosophical and so our conversations go a bit long. I can talk on the phone while I do the laundry, make dinner, clean the kitchen, etc., but all those “things I want to do” require a little more focus. I save those for the times when I’m home alone while Jeff and the kids are away each day. Only now they’re not.

And so, in an effort to have my productive alone time, I woke up at 4:59 this morning. I made progress on a project before the kids started getting up. I’ll get back to it eventually. In the meantime, I get to mother even more. It’s quite a nice perk, really, since in just over three years I’ll have an empty nest. Being the mom has always been my dream job and so I guess you could say I’m living the dream. That’s what it feels like to me.

Sterling's Final Violin Recital

I've been missing Sterling this week. He's already finished his time at the Missionary Training Center. He had so many awesome experiences and was sad to leave, but after three weeks it was time to go. He arrived in San Antonio yesterday. Doesn't he look great?

Sterling with President and Sister Tveten in front of the San Antonio Temple, January 8, 2020.

Sterling played in his final violin recital just a week before he left on his mission. He played "All Creatures of Our God And King," arranged by Sam Cardon, and he was accompanied by Soren. You'll notice in the video that Soren had a bit of a wrestle with his pages, but he handled it like a pro. I love listening to my boys play together. It's definitely something I'll miss!

Here's Your Change

After missing for the past few months, I finally attended our community writing group again last night. I don't know why I've stayed away. It's a really fantastic group of people who are very encouraging and funny and kind.

Last night, the assigned topic was change. I had a busy evening so I knew I'd be quite late to the meeting and I thought about missing again, but as I pondered the topic, my paper pretty much wrote itself so I went and shared it with the group. Here it is.

Here’s Your Change

I was selling tickets last week on opening night of my daughter’s school play. Ticket prices were four and seven dollars which meant I repeated the line “Here’s your change” dozens of times as I handed back various assortments of bills.

As I thought about the topic of change, that phrase “Here’s your change,” kept running through my mind. If only it were that easy, I thought.  But as I reflected more and more, I realized that maybe it is. Maybe change isn’t as elusive as it sometimes feels.

Recently I was listening to a podcast when the speaker said something that was so inspiring that she may as well have reached through the internet to say, “Here’s your change.”

She pointed out, in short, that circumstances are neutral. It’s our thoughts and the meaning we give them that determine our feelings which determine our actions. So if we can change the way we think about something, we can change the way we feel and ultimately act.

This goes along with my belief that we have been put here on earth as agents to act, not objects to be acted upon.

Let me share a simple example.

Let’s say I have a preschooler and she spills her milk during dinner. I immediately get mad, thinking (and saying) that she is so irresponsible and if she would pay more attention to what she’s doing, I wouldn’t have so much work to do. I get up in a huff to clean it up, fuming the whole time.

Is she irresponsible? No. That’s only what I think about her, but it doesn’t make it true. The only fact here is that there is milk spilled on the table. What is she then? Well, she’s a preschooler. Sometimes preschoolers spill their milk and that’s okay. If I can slow down enough to change my thinking, I may even find some compassion and reassurance for my daughter to let her know that she’s normal and that spilled milk is no big deal. Do you see the difference?

So if, for example, you don’t think your husband is doing a very good job making you happy, stop and change your thinking. That’s not his job. It’s yours. No one can make you happy because you are not an object to be acted upon. It’s what you think about the things your husband does and what meaning you give to those thoughts that determine your feelings of happiness…or not. It’s also important to realize that it’s not your job to make your husband happy. It’s his. Because we’re agents to act, we have the option to choose happiness. No one can force it upon us. Release other people to feel how they feel. You can’t control their feelings. And know that you are free to feel how you feel and that you can change your thinking and the meaning you give those thoughts to arrive at the feelings and, ultimately, the actions that best serve you.

This is potentially life-changing stuff. I know it has changed my perspective. I have realized that when I react negatively based on other people’s actions, I am giving them control over me. I have learned that I can change my thinking and it will, in turn, change everything.

One other thought.

As I pictured my podcast friend reaching through the internet with my “change,” my mind’s eye focused in on another picture. It was one of the outstretched arms of the Savior. I could see the marks of the nails in his hands as he said, “Here’s your change.”  I had to catch my breath because that is exactly what the Savior offers to each one of us. “Behold, he sendeth an invitation unto all men, for the arms of mercy are extended towards them, and he saith: Repent, and I will receive you,” (Alma 5:33).

Repentance means change. It’s not always easy, but change is what will allow us to return to our Heavenly Father and feel comfortable in His presence. We will never achieve perfection on our own, but through the Savior’s Atoning sacrifice, we can become perfect through Him. He can change our very hearts. This is available to each one of us, but He always honors our agency and will never force us to choose Him. But if and when we do, we will see Him waiting there with outstretched arms.

“Here’s your change.”