My Resolution

I wrote the following piece for my community writing group's January meeting. The theme was New Beginnings. 

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My family and I were on vacation in Oregon. It was the summer of 2003 and we were visiting my in-laws before they retired to a new home in a new state. I had five little kids at the time, the youngest was about a month old, if that, and we had all been enjoying our carefree stay at the family farm for the last time. None of this really matters or has anything to do with the rest of this story, but it's ingrained in my mind because I picture where I was every time I think of the phone call. 

One ordinary day on the farm, my dad called. When I look back on that conversation, the first words I think of are my dad saying, "I have cancer." He had been diagnosed with colon cancer and he wanted me to hear it from him. I immediately started bawling which is no surprise because I'm a total daddy's girl. But before you start feeling sorry for me or my dad, let me reassure you - my dad didn't die from colon cancer. In fact, he lived another 13 1/2 years before he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer and passed away ten days later. But that is also not the point of this story. I just felt like you might be wondering, so I wanted to share how that all played out. 

So back to the phone call. I don't remember exactly what was said or all the reassurances that were given. But at some point after my dad broke the news about his cancer, he said, "This is the best thing that's ever happened to me! Everyone should have the opportunity to look at their life through this lens." At the time, I disagreed with him, mostly because it felt like the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I couldn't bear the thought of losing my dad. But as I've thought of those words from time to time over the past 20 years, my perspective has shifted. And as I considered them once again last November, I decided on a New Year's resolution: To live like I'm dying.

I'm not dying, by the way, at least not as far as I know. But I'm trying to live my life as if my days were numbered. A little over three weeks into this new year, here is how it's going so far:

• I have a lot of stuff. I'm one of those people that holds onto things just in case I might need it again someday, even though I haven't needed it in, I don't know, three years? Five years? I mean, you never know! Don't get me wrong. I'm not a hoarder. And I'm not even that sentimental, but there are some things that were really useful in their day and it's hard for me to part with them. I've found it's a lot easier to get rid of things if I know of someone who can actually use them right now. Or if I remind myself that I can always buy it again if I ever need it. Or I think of the burden I'd be passing onto my kids if they're the ones who have to go through all of my stuff when I'm gone. There are some things I think they'll be glad I saved, but that's definitely the exception, not the rule. I'm realizing that now is the time to let go. And the more I get rid of, the easier it gets.
• I'm trying to be nicer and more patient with others, especially my family. Nobody's perfect and we all have bad days. So I'm trying to be more forgiving and reassuring; to quickly move on from frustrations and annoyances. Regardless of how much time I have left, life is too short to hold a grudge.
• On that same note, I'm trying to practice kindness. Whether that means taking cookies to my neighbor, paying for the person behind me in line, or simply giving people the benefit of the doubt, I want to be that person. I want to leave people better than I found them. 
• I've become more deliberate about managing my time. Sometimes I ask myself, "If not now, when?" If my days were numbered then there might not be a better time in the future so I need to make good use of today. I'm getting things done, but I'm also prioritizing so that I don't spend time on things that don't really matter. I'm finally going to finish that quilt I started two years ago... :)
• I'm more open to new opportunities and spur-of-the-moment experiences. I want to have fun! I want to live life while I still can! I have a reputation for being a tightwad, but there's a big difference between spending money on stuff I don't need and enjoying unique experiences with my family, like driving for four hours to see one of my daughter's favorite musicals. We've already booked our flight to Utah in March so we can hear my son's music group perform live. I can't wait!  

These are just a few of the ways I'm learning to live like I'm dying. I'm sure the fact that I'm not actually dying limits my experience to some extent, but even so, I appreciate the new perspective it's given me and the positive changes I've made so far as a result of my resolution. I'm looking forward to more progress, insights, and meaningful experiences throughout the year and beyond. After all, to quote my dad, "everyone should have the opportunity to look at their life through this lens."  

With Love From New York: Showing Support For Ukraine

Sadie, Jeff and I were in New York over the weekend. It was an amazing trip with the choir and band students from Sadie's high school. We were able to see and do a lot of memorable things, and maybe I'll eventually post a bit more. But I wanted to share what happened at the very end of our trip, just before boarding the buses for the long drive home. 

Our last activity on Sunday night was "Top of The Rock", the observation deck at the top of the Rockefeller Center. The 360º view of the city is said to be stunning. Unfortunately, the weather was wet and freezing and foggy. There was even a guide who met us at the elevators to tell us that there was zero visibility and we were welcome to use our tickets at a later date instead. Since this was our last day in New York, that wasn't an option for us so up we went. 

While the view was somewhat limited, it was still beautiful with the misty fog and the lights on the buildings. The Empire State building was a bright blue with gold lights below. As I looked around the city, I saw a few other buildings with lights across the top - a solid stripe of blue above a stripe of golden yellow - and I realized they were lit up in support of Ukraine. Then, with that realization, I looked back at the Empire State building, saw the blue and gold again, and almost started to cry. Here was this iconic structure making a bold statement for all the world (or at least all of New York) to see. Yes, I felt like bawling, but I really felt proud and happy and in total agreement with the sentiment. It was a beautiful way to end our trip. 

Service Station

When life gets overwhelming and personal problems seem too much to bear, it's curiously healing to set aside our own difficulties and find ways to lighten the burdens of others. That's what I love about the quote below. Service has a way of putting things into perspective and highlighting the things that are most important. 

 

I Stand At The Door

This painting by Del Parson is a great visualization of Revelation 3:20 - "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me."

Most look at this as a reminder that we need to open the door and let the Savior in. He always honors our agency so He's not going to barge in; it is always our choice. 

So why not open the door? Well, maybe those on the inside desperately want to let the Savior in, but they feel like they need to clean their house first. Everything is such a mess and they are embarrassed and don't want the Savior to see the chaos. And when your messy house really represents your messy, sinful life, it's common to feel like you need to clean up the mess before allowing the Savior in. 

But what if you could zoom out from the painting above and see that Christ brought a whole slew of cleaning supplies with Him? What if the reason He's there is to help you clean your house? 

Isn't that just the most comforting and hopeful thought? I love that perspective. I wish I'd come up with it myself, but I heard it from Savannah's husband, Hayden. He and Savannah have a podcast called "I Stand At The Door," and it's about overcoming pornography and inviting the Savior in to help you. I know that the thoughts they share are giving hope to many people. And many of the things they discuss can be helpful in overcoming other sins and addictions. But my favorite so far is their picture of the Savior standing outside the door with every needed cleaning supply just ready to put them to good use, if only He is allowed inside.

God's Love

I love this quote and I know it's true. God loves each of us. Always. Just like a child might feel like their mom or dad doesn't love them anymore when they do something naughty, sometimes our choices keep us from feeling God's love. But His love is not conditional. He is always waiting with His arms outstretched when we are ready to turn around. 

Who is in Your Back Room?

Some good food for thought...

Reppin' the Y

It's no secret that we're big BYU fans. Jeff and I graduated from Brigham Young University. Sam is currently a student there and Savannah will be back in the fall. Spencer will start in January, and if all goes well, Sterling will start in January, too. We are "Reppin' the Y" from our dining room table to our wardrobe choices - Sterling wears a BYU shirt to school at least 3 days a week - and I hope we're Reppin' the Y in our conduct as well.

This graduation speech at BYU by one who is not a member of our faith and who never actually attended BYU gives new meaning to "Reppin' the Y." I love what Honorary Doctorate Arthur C. Brooks says about his behavior when sporting a BYU briefcase. But listen further because his talk is powerful as he discusses anger vs. contempt, how differing viewpoints is not a bad thing, and how we can learn to "disagree better." It was well worth twelve minutes of my day!

Here's Your Change

After missing for the past few months, I finally attended our community writing group again last night. I don't know why I've stayed away. It's a really fantastic group of people who are very encouraging and funny and kind.

Last night, the assigned topic was change. I had a busy evening so I knew I'd be quite late to the meeting and I thought about missing again, but as I pondered the topic, my paper pretty much wrote itself so I went and shared it with the group. Here it is.

Here’s Your Change

I was selling tickets last week on opening night of my daughter’s school play. Ticket prices were four and seven dollars which meant I repeated the line “Here’s your change” dozens of times as I handed back various assortments of bills.

As I thought about the topic of change, that phrase “Here’s your change,” kept running through my mind. If only it were that easy, I thought.  But as I reflected more and more, I realized that maybe it is. Maybe change isn’t as elusive as it sometimes feels.

Recently I was listening to a podcast when the speaker said something that was so inspiring that she may as well have reached through the internet to say, “Here’s your change.”

She pointed out, in short, that circumstances are neutral. It’s our thoughts and the meaning we give them that determine our feelings which determine our actions. So if we can change the way we think about something, we can change the way we feel and ultimately act.

This goes along with my belief that we have been put here on earth as agents to act, not objects to be acted upon.

Let me share a simple example.

Let’s say I have a preschooler and she spills her milk during dinner. I immediately get mad, thinking (and saying) that she is so irresponsible and if she would pay more attention to what she’s doing, I wouldn’t have so much work to do. I get up in a huff to clean it up, fuming the whole time.

Is she irresponsible? No. That’s only what I think about her, but it doesn’t make it true. The only fact here is that there is milk spilled on the table. What is she then? Well, she’s a preschooler. Sometimes preschoolers spill their milk and that’s okay. If I can slow down enough to change my thinking, I may even find some compassion and reassurance for my daughter to let her know that she’s normal and that spilled milk is no big deal. Do you see the difference?

So if, for example, you don’t think your husband is doing a very good job making you happy, stop and change your thinking. That’s not his job. It’s yours. No one can make you happy because you are not an object to be acted upon. It’s what you think about the things your husband does and what meaning you give to those thoughts that determine your feelings of happiness…or not. It’s also important to realize that it’s not your job to make your husband happy. It’s his. Because we’re agents to act, we have the option to choose happiness. No one can force it upon us. Release other people to feel how they feel. You can’t control their feelings. And know that you are free to feel how you feel and that you can change your thinking and the meaning you give those thoughts to arrive at the feelings and, ultimately, the actions that best serve you.

This is potentially life-changing stuff. I know it has changed my perspective. I have realized that when I react negatively based on other people’s actions, I am giving them control over me. I have learned that I can change my thinking and it will, in turn, change everything.

One other thought.

As I pictured my podcast friend reaching through the internet with my “change,” my mind’s eye focused in on another picture. It was one of the outstretched arms of the Savior. I could see the marks of the nails in his hands as he said, “Here’s your change.”  I had to catch my breath because that is exactly what the Savior offers to each one of us. “Behold, he sendeth an invitation unto all men, for the arms of mercy are extended towards them, and he saith: Repent, and I will receive you,” (Alma 5:33).

Repentance means change. It’s not always easy, but change is what will allow us to return to our Heavenly Father and feel comfortable in His presence. We will never achieve perfection on our own, but through the Savior’s Atoning sacrifice, we can become perfect through Him. He can change our very hearts. This is available to each one of us, but He always honors our agency and will never force us to choose Him. But if and when we do, we will see Him waiting there with outstretched arms.

“Here’s your change.”

Choose Happiness

Spencer has been doing so well on his mission. He's had 2 great companions so far and he's really been embracing his experiences and learning all he can. But last week was hard and some discouragement and even a little depression started to set in. During a routine interview with his mission president later in the week, Spencer was given some very wise counsel. President Nelson told him that when he's faced with a decision of how to feel, he will always choose happiness. Spencer said, "I really like that, so I wrote on a sticky note and put on my desk: 'I will choose happiness. -President Nelson' so I can always remember that."

The video for Day 19 of the Light the World campaign really touched me. It's the journey of an autistic young man named Aaron Jepson. At the end of the video are the words, "In the face of adversity, Aaron chooses happiness." It's a needed message and one that I've been hearing from many different sources lately.



"Happiness does not depend on what you have or who you are. It solely relies on what you think." I don't know who said it -- it's been attributed to several people including Buddha, Dale Carnegie and Zig Ziglar, but I believe it. It's our thoughts, not our circumstances, that determine our feelings.

Just taking a minute to reframe things may be all it takes to see the blessings and happiness right where we are. Choose happiness. :)

Lessons Learned From the Total Solar Eclipse

I know I already blogged about our eclipse experience on August 21, but I can't stop thinking about it. I learned a couple of things that are noteworthy and I wanted to record them while they are still meaningful.

Lesson one (and fairly obvious) is that, even when the sun is completely covered up by the moon, you can still see the sun's aura. The sun never completely disappears. Its power still radiates from behind the darkness. For me, this drove home the fact that no matter how dark our circumstances, God is always there. Nothing is too devastating or bleak for God to make His presence known. If we look for Him, we will find Him. This is a beautiful message and one I hope I never forget.

But Lesson two is the one I've really been pondering for the past week or so. It is this: When we are fully committed, we open ourselves up to blessings and experiences we can't even imagine.

Bear with me as I try to articulate my thoughts.

We live only two hours from the totality zone. That means that our maximum eclipse was pretty close to totality. The graphic illustrates what it would have looked like from our home. Not bad. Our initial plan was to stay home and view it through our special glasses as it approached the maximum for our area. Our experience would be good enough without having to go out of our way, right?

Wrong!

Fortunately, I was talking with a friend a few days before the eclipse. She'd read some thoughts by an eclipse chaser and he noted that the difference between 99% totality and 100% totality is huge! No comparison. The experience is completely different. Well, that got me thinking and wondering if it might be worth the drive after all. It didn't take much to get the kids on board; after all, they'd get to miss a good chunk of the school day.

Because I've already shared our eclipse experience, I won't go into all the details again. I'll just focus on a few things that illustrate what I mean by lesson two.

For starters, unless you are viewing totality, you must wear solar glasses which literally block out everything except the sun. We had our glasses on while watching the moon slide into totality. When only the tiniest sliver of sun was still visible, I peeked over the rim of my glasses to see what it really looked like and, to my surprise, the sun still appeared so bright that it looked like the full sun was shining. It was only when the eclipse reached totality that we could remove the glasses and that made all the difference. It revealed a different world. From the significant dimming of the sky to the visible stars and the evening sounds, it was really stunning. Back home, none of that was part of the limited experience. They couldn't remove the glasses, yet they didn't know what they had missed. They just didn't see what all the fuss was about. And that's the problem. When we give a half-hearted effort, we may never realize that we compromised the outcome. It took more effort and time to see the eclipse in its totality, but as a result, our experience was worlds away from the one back home.

There is a quote that I came across 25 years ago by William Hutchison Murray. I've thought about it so many times. It says,

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way."

Elder Gary B. Sabin summed this up well in a talk given last April:

"We don’t hold back to see what the minimum is we can get by with.... When we are fully committed and “all in,” heaven shakes for our good. When we are lukewarm or only partially committed, we lose out on some of heaven’s choicest blessings."

I believe this because I've seen it happen. When I am fully committed, my experiences are significantly different. "Heaven shakes for [my] good" and "Providence moves, too." Who wouldn't want that? 

Don't be afraid to be all in. It's worth it!

Be the One

This video really speaks for itself. We love Gentri and the positive messages they so beautifully articulate through their music. Enjoy!

Let It Be

Gentri posted this sweet song just in time for Mother's Day. I didn't know the story behind this popular Beatles' song until I watched this video (read the text at the start), but it's pretty good advice from a mother to her son. And the song is so much more meaningful now that I know the inspiration behind it. Of course, the men from Gentri sing with such beautiful harmonies that it just adds to the message.

Happy Mother's Day!

How To Change the World

It turns out changing the world isn't as daunting as it seems. Here's a quick tip to get you started in that direction.


I hope my kids are watching... ;)

{This message came from a longer commencement address with ten tips on how to change the world. The other tips can be found here - each tip is a separate video and they will play in order.}

On Failing and Finishing

BYU has a devotional each Tuesday at 11:00 a.m. mountain time. They are always worthwhile, but this past Tuesday's devotional was especially good. It was given by Cassy Budd, a faculty member in the School of Accountancy within BYU's Marriott School of Management.

I listened to the devotional after Sam recommended it. I listened again with Jeff as we drove to Indianapolis on Friday. Then I listened for a third time tonight with the kids. I could listen to it again. If you can take the time, you won't regret it. 

If you'd rather read it, the text will eventually be posted here. You can also access audio and video from the same site. This is definitely one I'll bookmark and keep for future reference. I loved it!

Seek Sunlight

This quote came up in one of our lessons today at church. It's a great way to live and a good reminder to look for the good things in life. Good or bad, you find what you are looking for!

Let People Repent

I've been thinking about this quote a lot this week. I said something I shouldn't have said. I really thought it would help a situation, but it had the exact opposite effect. Now I feel like the people involved have forgotten every good thing I've ever done and define me by this one unfortunate moment. I'd go back and erase the whole thing if I could, but what's done is done. I may have permanently damaged some relationships despite my quick and sincere apology. I hope I'm wrong and it all blows over quickly. But it's the what if I'm not wrong that worries me. 

That's why this quote has been on my mind. It's caused me to reflect on how I treat others. Do I let others repent? Do I define people by their worst moments? Or do I give people the benefit of the doubt? Do I let people change and become better? Believe me, after seeing it from the side I'm on right now, I'll be much more gentle toward others in the future. It has helped me to see charity in a new and needed light.

Change

Isn't this just the best news you've heard all day? :)

A Message Meant For Me

Dad - the tall, handsome one in the back row - with his family.

Grief is a funny thing. It has a tendency to blindside you when you least expect it. I really thought I'd be doing better by now. It's been over 2 months since my dad's death and I feel like I'm doing worse now than I was in the first weeks after he died. At the time, I was overcome by so many tender mercies that I felt so blessed! But now all I can think of is how much I miss him and how it's SO UNFAIR that he was taken from us. I have spent way too much time feeling sorry for myself.

Just the other day, something completely ironic and funny happened and I just knew my dad would get a kick out of it. But I couldn't tell him. That left me feeling empty and sad for the rest of the day.

My dad lost his mom when he was 21 and his dad at 32. I don't remember him ever crying over his losses or wondering what to do with himself. He was ever the optimist. He spoke matter-of-factly about losing his parents and I grew up understanding that death was just a normal part of life. I had my dad way longer than he had either of his parents, but I still feel like I've been cheated.

Fortunately, there are still tender mercies that confirm to me that Heavenly Father is aware of me and what I'm going through. For example, today's message on the Mormon Tabernacle Choir's weekly broadcast of Music and the Spoken Word felt like it was just for me. Maybe my case isn't as hopeless as it seems.


The Absence of Someone We Love

From Music and the Spoken Word

One of life’s universal and unavoidable experiences is to lose someone we love. All who have lived and loved will lose cherished family and friends to death. Whether early or late, suddenly or gradually, dramatically or peacefully, death comes for everyone. And when it comes for a loved one, our whole world can change in an instant, and we may wonder how we can ever go on.

Death can be so difficult to cope with and so difficult to understand. Moving forward can seem almost impossible at first. But the only way to avoid such heartbreak would be to remove from life all loving relationships—so we do move forward, and little by little, as we attend to life’s daily demands, as we eat and work and sleep again, we begin to gain some understanding, even peace. We begin to gain strength.

And yet we never quite get back to normal; things won’t ever be just as they were—nor should they be. “Nothing can make up for the absence of someone whom we love,” wrote the great theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer, “and it would be wrong to try to find a substitute; we must simply hold out and see it through. That sounds very hard at first,” he acknowledged, “but at the same time it is a great consolation, for the gap, as long as it remains unfilled, preserves the bonds between us . . . and so helps us to keep alive our former communion with each other, even at the cost of pain.”¹

It’s this delicate balance between holding on and letting go that gives life some of its bitter sweetness. Because we know heartache and pain, we also know love and joy. And it just so happens that often the more our hearts are broken with pain, the more open they tend to be, and thus more able to receive and give love. Such love never dies. It goes on and on until the perfect day.<sup>2

1. Letter to Renate and Eberhard Bethge, Dec. 24, 1943, in Letters and Papers from Prison, ed. Eberhard Bethge (1971), np.
2. See Doctrine and Covenants 50:24.</sup>

A Heritage of Faith

You may remember back in July when I wrote about my great great grandmother, Sarah Moulton. Well, I was happy to see the following video show up in my inbox this morning. It is Elder Ronald A. Rasband, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, sharing the story of Sarah Moulton who happens to be his great grandmother. (That means Elder Rasband and I are 2nd cousins once removed.) Elder Rasband asked, "What moved the pioneers on? What pushed them forward? It was a sure testimony of the Lord Jesus Christ. I did not pull a handcart across the plains. But as the great-grandson of pioneers, what they felt, I feel. And what they knew, I know: that Jesus is the living Christ, the Son of God. I love Him. This is His Church.” 

Today

Grab a tissue. You're going to need it.

I'm a big fan of Brad Paisley. He always has the best lyrics and just tells it like it is. This song is no exception. It's about our happy todays that make our tomorrows more bearable. Be sure to listen to the lyrics, but it's the video that will make you cry. Don't worry, they'll be happy tears!



"Bring on tomorrow, because a memory of a day like today can get you through the rest of your life."