Friday Funny

SCENE: A teenage daughter and her dad in the car.

Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl's name is?

Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.

Lauren: You're no fun, Dad. Forget it.

Me: What is a vowel?

Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is ... ahh ... eh ... well, oh ... uh ...

Me: Close enough.

--by Robert Alvarez, author of Blonde Moments: Life with a Blonde Teenage Daughter.

Found in the Reader's Digest.

Bracist

Sterling had an orthodontic consultation this morning. We were just going in for x-rays and an assessment to see how much it would cost (more than my car) and how long treatment might take (up to 18 months).

On our way to the appointment, Sterling asked if he'd be getting braces today. "Oh, no no no. This is just a consultation to see if we want to go with this office or not. We'll get all the details and then make a decision," was my reply.

At the consultation, we decided we'd go ahead with this orthodontist. Sterling asked again, "So can I get my braces today?" Again, I said no. We'd have to schedule an appointment. Then the assistant said, "Actually, we've just had a cancellation so if he really wants to..."

He really wanted to so I gave them all my money, she took a few pictures and more x-rays and Sterling ended up with a mouthful of braces.

Looks like a typical (and super cute) middle schooler to me! 

At his appointment when they showed him a picture of his panoramic x-ray, Sterling's response was, "My teeth are very photogenic!" 

Later on, he said to me, "Mom, call me Brace Face." 

"Okay, Brace Face!"

"Hey, that's bracist!" 

Looks like we're in for plenty of fun over the next 18 months. (Wish me luck!)

Psychology According to Sterling

I have no words... :)

Two Truths and a Lie

Understatement: Sterling is a crazy kid. You just never know what he's going to come up with next. Last week, Sterling got a hold of our video camera and decided to make his own "I'm a Mormon" video. He did all the filming himself. He wrote the script and set up the shots. We didn't even know he was doing this until he finished and wanted us to watch it. It's even mostly true. Sterling really does play the violin and he has actually played while jumping on a pogo stick and riding the Ripstik. He was the Fiddler in Fiddler on the Roof last summer, and he is a Mormon. But there is one part where he gets a little carried away... Just make sure you watch until the very end.


My favorite line: But I knew that God was helping me every step of the way, even though each step was just a little bit of a hop. How does he come up with this stuff??

I told you he was crazy! :)

Growing Paperclips

Sadie's 1st grade teacher showed the class a large paperclip and told them she grew it from a small paperclip placed in water. There were some skeptics so she told them to go home and try it for themselves. (I'm guessing this was her April Fool's joke on the class!) Sadie found a paperclip on Saturday, remembered the experiment and decided to give it a try. She placed her paperclip on the kitchen counter, poured a small puddle of water over the top, and checked on it every few minutes.

I couldn't resist.

After a bit, I replaced her small paperclip with a larger one.

I wish you could have seen her face, hands clasped over her mouth, as she gasped when she saw it. (The fact that it was no longer pink didn't seem to matter in the least!) She made sure everyone knew what had happened!

Her curiosity piqued, she decided to leave it for a while longer to see if it would grow even more...

No way! By this time a couple of her brothers were torn. Could this be real? Sadie and Soren both left for school Monday morning determined to tell their teachers all about the successful experiment!

I knew I was in trouble when I saw a slew of small paperclips in a puddle of water the next day...

Ah, to be six again!
This story unfolded just as written, but all photos are recreations of the event using the actual paperclips. :) 

I Have a Joke For You

What do you call a pig with no legs?

Give up?

A Ground Hog.

(Sorry, I couldn't resist!)

Happy Groundhog Day!

Friday Funny

A man walks into the doctor’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his right ear and a breadstick in his left ear.
He asks the doctor, “What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor replies, “You are not eating properly.”

Friday Funny

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

Friday Funny

One year in autumn, the Indians asked their Chief if the winter was going to be cold or not.  The chief replied that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

To be on the safe side, the Chief called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."  So the Chief went back to tell his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man replied, "it’s going to be a very cold winter."  So the Chief went back to his people and ordered them to go and find every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies. "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

Friday Funny

A pharmacist arrives at work to find a frightened looking man leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" the pharmacist asks his clerk.

"He wanted cough medicine but I couldn't find any, so I gave him a laxative."

The pharmacist yells, "Laxatives won't cure a cough!"

"Sure they will.  Look at him -- he's afraid to cough."

Friday Funny

An extremely wealthy man was rather disturbed by the fact that he couldn't take any of his hard-earned money with him when he died.  He decided to pray and ask if there was any way an exception could be made for him.  

An angel heard his plea and was able to make the necessary arrangements, but warned him that he would only be allowed one suitcase.

The man considered the situation carefully and decided that the best use of his limited space would be to fill a large suitcase with gold bars. 

When the man finally died, he showed up at the gates of heaven, suitcase in hand.  St. Peter, who was aware of the unique situation, asked the man to open the suitcase to reveal what he couldn't bear to leave behind. 

Upon seeing the gold bars, St. Peter looked up and exclaimed, "You brought pavement?"

Friday Funny

A sandwich walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

A horse walks into a bar.  The bartender say, "Why the long face?"

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."

A mushroom walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms."  The mushroom says, "Come on man, I'm a fungi."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer and a mop."

Two men walked into a bar.  The third one ducked.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Friday Funny

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Friday Funny: Easter Bunny Humor

      A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs and candy went flying all over the place.       
      The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead.   The driver felt guilty and began to cry.       
      A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.       
      "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. What should I do?"       
      The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do.       
      She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.       
      Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!  The man was astonished.       
      He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"       
      The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.  It said,
"Hair spray.  Restores life to dead hair.  Adds permanent wave."

(Joke found here:  http://jokes.edigg.com/Easter/Dead_Easter_Bunny.shtml and slightly modified.)

Friday Funny

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Friday Funny

Q:  How do you tell an elephant from a banana?

A:  Try picking them up.  If you can't, it's probably an elephant,
although it could be a really heavy banana.

 

Q:  What's green and has wheels?

A:  Grass.  I was just kidding about the wheels.

 

(photo from studentlifenow.org)

Friday Funny

A pirate captain, his first mate, and his crew were sailing across the ocean when the captain looked through his telescope and spotted an enemy ship chasing after them.  He knew there was about to be a battle so he commanded his first mate to go get his red shirt.

The first mate asked, "Sir, why do you want your red shirt?"

The captain responded, "So that if I get shot, the crew won't notice my bleeding and they will continue to fight courageously."

They ended up winning the battle and the captain wasn't harmed.

A few weeks later the captain looked through his telescope and saw 50 enemy ships coming after them.  The first mate said, "Sir, would you like me to go fetch your red shirt?"

The captain replied, "No, get me my brown pants."

Friday Funny

A frog named Kermit Jagger walks into a bank and asks to speak to the loan officer.  He is directed to Patty Black's office.

Kermit introduces himself to Mrs. Black and mentions that the bank manager knows his dad, Mick.  He explains that he needs a loan and Mrs. Black asks him what he has for collateral.  He places a statue of a small silver elephant on her desk.  Unsure, Patty says she'll have to talk to the manager.

She walks into the manager's office and says, "I've got a frog in my office named Kermit Jagger.  He says you know his dad, Mick.  He wants to use this elephant thing as collateral.  I don't even know what it is!" 

The manager replies,
"It's a knick knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan.  His old man's a Rolling Stone!" 

Friday Funny: 2 for 1

Two snowmen are standing in a field when one says to the other,

"Do you smell carrots?"

Two cannibals are eating a clown when one says to the other,

"Does this taste funny to you?"

Friday Funny

A duck waddles into a grocery store and says, "Excuse me sir, do you sell duck food?"  The cashier says, "No, we don't sell duck food."  So the duck leaves. 

The next day the duck goes back to the store and says, "Excuse me sir, do you sell duck food?"  The cashier says, "No, we don't sell duck food."  So the duck leaves. 

This goes on until, after the 5th day, the clerk decides that he's gonna give that duck a piece of his mind.  The duck waddles into the store as he has everyday and says, "Excuse me sir, do you sell duck food?"  The cashier says, "LOOK!  You come in here every day asking if we sell duck food.  If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, we DO NOT sell duck food.  If you come in here one more time and ask if we sell duck food, I'm gonna nail your beak to the floor!"  The duck leaves. 

The next day, the duck goes back to the store and says, "Excuse me sir, do you have any nails?"  The cashier says "No, we don't have any nails."  The duck says "Well then, do you sell duck food?"